God How She Feared
by youmakemehappywhenskiesaregrey
Summary: Not sure what to call it, brief character study of Scott and Emma set around Joss Whedon's run.


**My first Scott and Emma writing. Just short and musing. And if I'm honest I was pretty drunk when I wrote this. (hit the Bacardi a little hard!) So that's why its all over the place but I was kind of impressed with my drunk self, it's not as bad as it could have been. I had to go through and clean up the spelling and some of the grammar but in all it could have been a lot worse. Well I hope you'll give it a shot. **

Her love was so totally different from Jean's. Her love was hard and firm and she had a certainty to herself that was purely her own. Jean had been warm and kind and gentle. Emma was only rarely some of these things. She was so utterly different. She was gorgeous like an ice sculpture while Jean had been something akin to fire. They were so different. Emma burned cold and cruelly where Jean had burned hot and searing and Emma was intentional and forceful when she burned over old scars, determined to make them hers now. She hated seeing the marks of another woman, but who could blame her? What woman can say she likes seeing the mark of another on the man she loves? But Emma could not and so she burned away the marks of the lover again and again but they never truly went away and it frustrated her to no end. Scott was hers and yet she could never remove the mark of Jean. Sure she could add her own and the flesh of Scott's soul and heart became painted with the loves of two women. Each mark distinct. There was no confusing the two.

And Scott welcomed the ice just as he had welcomed the fire. He craved it as they had both craved him. And at night when he lay next to Emma he was careful to keep his thoughts on her and she was careful to keep her mark fresh so his thoughts would not stray. He was hers and she would keep him. And if she had her way Jean's marks would be buried. She had long since given up trying to make them go away but she could bury them. Hide them deep. Keep them there until only she knew them and the name Jean was just a sad echo that stirred his heart.

She would bury them with love and force. She would bury them in the bedroom where she would do things Jean never dreamed of. Make Scott forget the world and know only her. That was her power over him. Him whom she truly did love. Him who she wanted to keep by her side and him who she so desperately feared would leave her.

God how he made her heart ache, his power, his determination, his heart, his everything. She wanted to give him everything and to be his everything and to make him everything. She was strong, she knew that. Stronger than Jean had been. She could mold Scott into a stronger man and yet, he still loved Jean. That was her endless torment. That she could not erase his love. And she knew it was selfish but she was beyond caring. She waned him to be hers and to love her completely, as she did him. That was the real pain of it. She loved him so totally and completely and a portion of his heart remained with Jean. Not buried with her but alive and beating. Alive and in him and it drove her mad.

And Scott, he loved them both. Never knowing or thinking that love made women jealous and spiteful and the most beautiful emotion a soul could possess could turn a person bitter. And love did just that. Love turned a person bitter. Perhaps love was the mother of all evil. Love had made him sin repeatedly. Love had made him leave Madelyn. Love had made him confused and made him cheat on Jean. Love had made a fool of him but he was a man and a woman was a far different creature. And he could never truly know. So it had been between Jean and Emma. They had loathed each other. Each seeing the other as a threat and an obstacle. In the end Emma had been wrong. In the end it didn't matter. Emma had him now. A bitter prize to love. A bitter prize to keep.

Two women so utterly different had loved the same man and he had loved them both and he was fool to think that was enough.

And so Emma feared. Feared he wold leave her and feared that he would always love Jean more. Secretly she feared and he never knew. Maybe he did. She didn't know. God, how she feared.

God how she feared he would leave her. She feared she wasn't enough. And how tragic and unfair it was that she should be less than a dead woman. That a dead woman should claim the heart of the man she loved. The dead couldn't love the living and how foolish she thought it was that they should think they could. How awful it was to fear the dead.

**Like i said, I was drunk when I wrote it so take it in stride! I'm thinking of rewriting it later, maybe make it clearer and a bit longer. put things in a better order. My thinking must have been kind of fuzzy cause it's kind of hard to follow and i don't think i meant that Emma's love was cruel I thnk I just was talking about Ice. Also, I've always been a Scott/Jean shipper, I grew up with the cartoon but Emma is just such a fascinating character.**

** Well anyway, sorry if it's bad. You now why.**


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